Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Nine years ago...

Not much from me today.

It will be a day of quiet reflection.

The kids are at a play date, without me, all day.

This is no accident - I planned it, so that I could have today to be, by myself.

It was on this day nine years ago that I lost my first baby.

It's not that I spend the day crying. I just like to be peaceful.

If I could fall into the sky

Do you think time would pass me by?

Because you know I'd walk a thousand miles

If I could just see you.

It still makes me so very sad.

Sunday, 3 July 2011


I don't even know what I am waiting for.

Waiting for her to turn back forty years and come back to me?

Waiting for her to turn back thirty years and make different choices?

Waiting for her to turn back fifteen years and stay on a positive track?

Waiting for a miracle?

Waiting for the next stage, when I already thought the last stage was the worst it could possibly get?

She is waiting too.

I am scared we are both waiting for the same thing.

I wish I could tell what is going on in my Mother's mind.

Or am I relieved really, that I am not privy to such complications?

So, we will just wait.

Please forgive the morbid post. My Mother is very sick. I have posted that before. She goes from worse to worse. I am preoccupied by it. Pained and frustrated by the waiting.

PS Thank you to everyone who has emailed me recently. It means such a lot - invisible but lovely support. Thank you. xx

PPS If I am not around much, or not commenting on your blogs, it is not becasue I don't love you, but just becasue I am in self protection mode,  and I don't want to be a misery guts. xx

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Past tense...

We shared the same name.

I cry now, as I have to write that in the past tense.

She was my friend.
             And now she is gone. And that is just so so wrong. Goddamn it Luce, I want you back here right now. 
             We never met. How I wish we had. How I felt like we never needed to. We had all the time in the world, didn't we?

Online. For nearly 7 years. I have shared and laughed and cried with her.

We forumed and blogged and Facebooked & twittered and emailed, together.

We agreed to differ and laughed at our variance.  They didn't matter, because the parallels were enough.

I keep going to her blog with some insane wish that the fact that she is gone is just a cruel joke and that I will see her words, her quirky funny posts, peppered with swear words and tequila and unperfect things.
She helped me with her essence of balance. She listened, and her integrity and her innate perception guided me.

Her passion, her belief, her love. They were just... always there.

             She was, quite simply, one of the most awesome chicks I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
And I cannot believe how cruel life is that she is no longer here. I miss her.

And my tears are for the babies & friends she has had to leave behind.

She was my friend.

We shared the same name.

I cry now, as I have to write that in the past tense.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

I have nothing much to say today...

I have nothing much to say today.
Nothing left.

Apart from these little links:

Donate here for the relief effort for the Queensland floods.

(If anyone is unlcear as to the level of devestation that these floods are having, it has been reported that 75% of Queensland has been declared a disaster zone. This represents a land mass twice the size of Texas and over five times the United Kingdom.)

And please donate here for my friend Lori, who starts a painful jouney into grief, as a result of the loss of her husband Tony.

Monday, 10 January 2011


For Lori

No funeral gloom, my dears, when I am gone,

Corpse-gazing, tears, black raiment, graveyard grimness.

Think of me as withdrawn into the dimness,

Yours still, you mine,

Remember all the best of our past moments and forget the rest,

And so to where I wait come gently on.

(Ellen Terry)

Lori, if there was any way in this world I could take away the pain, I would.

I can't. But I wish you every ounce of  peace of heart I can muster, so that you may endure.

Lori, you may not be able to believe this yet, but you will get through this.

And I send my love.

Monday, 19 July 2010

Eight Years Ago

Last year, on the 19th July, I wrote this post here, about the loss of my first baby.

Another year on, I am here, still, crying again, for the child I never got to hold.

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass us by?
Because you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you...

I am going to just keep busy today. And keep Olivia, Charlie and Lexie close to me. And be eternally grateful for them. 
And for anyone else who has experienced miscarriage or late loss, I wish for peace in our hearts. 

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Seven years ago today.........

It is very rare I allow myself to reflect on this one, but it is seven years ago today that I lost my first baby.

I cannot believe I am sitting here in snotty puddles over the anniversary of the loss.

It still hurts so badly.

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass us by?
Because you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see

Sleep well little one.