Sunday, 5 February 2012
Despite or because of?
Despite, or maybe because of the chaos that is reigning in my world at the moment, I am eating really really well and cleanly.
The chaos is same old same old but a level more intense - my Mum's severe ill health and negotiating the aged care system as well as doctors and hospitals.
I realise that when I am really stressed and upset, food is the one thing I can control in my world.
When I am stressed and worried and sad, as I am, the control, luckily, tends to be of a beneficial nature.
It's almost as if I am so heavy of heart and mind that my subconscious dictates I must be light of stomach and body.
When my Dad was very sick - twenty years ago now - before he died, and for a long while afterwards, I lost a lot of weight. Dieting was easy. Weight fell off me. I ate only to get through to the next day. I was totally and calmly in control. I was able to dictate my eating in order to make up for the fact that I could not manipulate my grief.
More recently, back in 2006, when I got over the shock of my brother passing away, I found that not eating was and losing weight was a slight salve to my utterly out of control emotions. With a newborn baby and three children under three, I ate enough to sustain breastfeeding and not much else.
And here I am again. Finding it all so hard, and so sad, but finding food easy.
When I am happy, I eat. When I am sad, I diet perfectly.
Good grief. Tragic really.