Sunday, 5 February 2012

Despite or because of?



Despite, or maybe because of the chaos that is reigning in my world at the moment, I am eating really really well and cleanly.

The chaos is same old same old but a level more intense - my Mum's severe ill health and negotiating the aged care system as well as doctors and hospitals.

I realise that when I am really stressed and upset, food is the one thing I can control in my world.

When I am stressed and worried and sad, as I am, the control, luckily, tends to be of a beneficial nature.

It's almost as if I am so heavy of heart and mind that my subconscious dictates I must be light of stomach and body.

When my Dad was very sick - twenty years ago now - before he died, and for a long while afterwards, I lost a lot of weight. Dieting was easy. Weight fell off me. I ate only to get through to the next day.  I was totally and calmly in control. I was able to dictate my eating in order to make up for the fact that I could not manipulate my grief.

More recently, back in 2006, when I got over the shock of my brother passing away, I found that not eating was and losing weight was a slight salve to my utterly out of control emotions. With a newborn baby and three children under three, I ate enough to sustain breastfeeding and not much else.

And here I am again. Finding it all so hard, and so sad, but finding food easy.

When I am happy, I eat. When I am sad, I diet perfectly.

Good grief. Tragic really.

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14 comments:

  1. Cruel world huh. Take care of yourself Luce. I know EXACTLY what you are going through with the aged care stuff.

    Mwah xx

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  2. We are similar again my lovely. I am exactly like this. I lost 25kg post Bebito on my pre-pregnancy weight. When people commented on this I felt ashamed not happy. It was a physical manifestation of my mental health. I've lost 5 kg since Christmas too & not through trying properly. I have been thinking of you very much indeed and if I can help with anything I'd love to! Xxxx

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  3. It is self preservation my friend. Take care. I am thinking of you. xx

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  4. I hear you.
    Look after you.
    :-) x

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  5. Ah Lucy - not fair! I hope you are okay. x

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  6. Thinking of you love. Know what you are going through. Much love xxxx

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  7. Big love to you Lucy. I know the emotional strain on you would be quite immense at the moment. And I can relate to controlling that seemingly small factor because it's all you feel you can control (or do well?)... during my years of infertility issues, I was fit, lean and striving to maintain a good diet - it was all I *could* do and I remained in that state of suspended control until after Lolly came (that is when I dropped the ball, all bets were off, I had "done good" and done my job... hmmmmm look how that turned out for me!). xoxo

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  8. Thinking of you and suggesting a tim tam and cuppa might be just what you need x

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  9. Glad to hear you're eating well. Remember to feed your soil as well as your body though. Look after yourself.

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  10. Sorry to hear things are still so up in the air with your Mum. It seems unfair.

    Very happy to hear that your diet is going well though. I am the opposite - I eat a LOT when I am down in the dumps. It is a sign that I have lost my mojo.

    Holding your hand x

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  11. Big hugs to you.

    It's a bit like getting really sick or a parasite or something. A double edged sword of sorts.

    I'm sorry to hear you're sad. So sorry.

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  12. Sending you all the love I can muster my friend.

    I'll hold you in the light and you do what you need to do. Consider a candle lit, literally and metaphorically.

    xxx

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  13. Sorry to hear that things are like this for you Lucy. I hope it turns around soon.

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I am a comment addict. Thank you so much for your words...xx