Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Thread that, angels of beauty...


Now that I am getting old, my top lip is a thing that needs to be dealt with, with alarming regularity.
And summer is here - I get a tan, my hair goes blonder and my top lip is like an out of control caterpillar that's been bleached. Movember? Yep. Me. (Over sharing? Much?)

Anyway, for the past few years I have had the fine ladies of Paradise (my superb local beauty one stop shop) deal with my top lip via waxing. One second of excruciating pain, like ripping a band aid off, and we are done. A swift wipe of metho across my top lip to stop any potential breakouts, $5 later, and I am all shiny, hairfree and happy. Thanks for coming. I get it done every month without fail.

Anyway, for some reason, I decided I needed a pedicure. Random. Like you do. And the lovely ladies at Paradise were all fully booked. So I decided to be "unfaithful" and go somewhere else. A quickie. There is a beauty salon near the kids school called "Beauty Angels" which looked convenient and not too grubby, who could fit me in there and then, so in I go.

Pleasant coffee, nice little bit of chit chat, all whilst the girl attended to my feet. I had my footsies scraped and soaked and exfoliated and scrubbed and all dealt with. Bright red toe nail polish applied, which I was admiring, when I realised I had ten minutes spare before I had to pick the kids up - "could you do my top lip whilst I am here....?"

No problem, and she lead me through to the beauty room - it was all soft lighting, aromatherapy candles, dolphin music and crystals. Very spa. Thank you.

I leaned back as I lay on the beauty bed, and she moved in behind me. Which did feel kind of odd, but whatever.

As I laid back, she kind of held my face in her hands and inspected me and my top lip in a kind of over analysing way - all cross eyed and technical. Weird.

And then instead of smearing on the hot wax stuff with the oversized paddle pop stick, she starts going at my face with some snapping stretched rubber band elastic thread thingo. She was playing some complicated cats cradle game with my entire face for fucks sake?!



She must have seen the utter terror and confusion in my eyes as I cried out in a demented fashion from shock and bizarre pain.

What the hell?? I actually raised myself up, and no word of a lie, she pushed me back on the bed to carry on, the sadistic bitch.

I squeaked and she said "you need to relax". RELAX? You are kidding me?  And I blew my stack. I literally had to elbow her out of my face as I got up and screeched asked her "sorry lady, but what the hell are you doing to my face? I just want a top lip wax?!"

I then acted totally like one of my kids and burst into tears, hopped off the bed grabbed my bag and ran out of "Beauty Angels" (angels, my arse) and fled.

I am not joking when I tell you my heart was beating a million times faster than it should - from pain and from the adrenalin from my bizarre fight or flight situation.

Threading.

I tell you, I do not care who tells me it is hygenic and better for my face or restricts re-growth or whatever. That it is better for sensitive skin and does not use chemicals? I could not give a rats clacker. This threading method of hair removal may be the all new trend in depilation - I do not give a shit. It is scary and it bloody hurts. It may be a respected tradional method originating from ancient Prussia, a sign of wealth and luxury -  whatever- I couldn't care less - it's undignified and terrifying.

I tell you, I am just gonna grow it all and turn into an aging hippy.

I realised, after I calmed down and after my heart rate returned to normal, that I hadn't actually paid for the torture, or indeed for my quite nice pedicure.  So I sent Charlie in later with $50 to slap onto the counter, and he dripped chocolate Paddle Pop all over their shiny floors. Thread that, angels of beauty.

Do you wax? Thread? Pluck? Shave? Am I being an utter baby?



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20 comments:

  1. ROFL! Not laughing at your pain but rather your hilarious account of it! OMG....you poor bugger! I can't imagine your pain, I get my brows waxed occasionally and that is enough for me...have taken to trimming them at home since I have a young child and getting out alone is a luxury. Seriously though, you should have got more warning or info that this was there chosen method...seems odd that they don't offer the choice. Hope you recover (mentally) very quickly. Hugs! xxx

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  2. Ouch, no you're not not.

    I think I'll just stick to growing and plaiting mine!

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  3. I dont think thats an over-reaction - any beauty therapist i've ever been to has asked me before the procedure whether i'd had it before and if i hadnt, they've explained it first.
    And then to shove you back down and tell you to relax ( which is basically the adult version of " Stop squirming around and sit still! )? Rude, with a capital R!

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  4. You would have thought that they would have said that they do threading and not waxing - how unprofessional. Even her treatment of you was unprofessional. I wouldn't be going back there in a hurry !!!!

    Sorry to hear about the experience but thanks for making me laugh !

    Have a great day !

    Love, hugs and positive energy.

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  5. I wax my brows...I have seen the threading but never ventured forth.

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  6. I have had my brows threaded and it is really good. $5 for a mo wax? I need to move to SA x

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  7. Oh...I don't think I will be trying threading! I'll stick to wax and tweezers.

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  8. I'm not laughing, honest!

    I've never done my lip, but I'm just about at that point that I think it's time to face facts. Ugh. The joys of your 30's. Noone mentioned THIS to me.

    I get waxed. I much prefer it. I'm completely blind in one eye and almost in the other, so I can't do my own. I love waxing.

    I've often thought about threading. But I"d heard it was painless, so I'm really glad you gave me a heads (lips?)up!

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  9. Thank God you broached the subject of the mo - why does nobody ever mention how much bloody hairier you get as you get older? Why oh why? I haven't tried threading, nor indeed waxed my mo as yet - my lovely beauty therapist has promised she'll let me know when it's time. I'll cross threading off my list...

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  10. Lordy you poor thing, had a similar situation with an EPL (IPL) - bloody hell, age spot removal experience, didn't know it would leave me with a face full of scabs after having had hot rubber bands flung at my face for 30 minutes (or at least thats what I thought she was doing. So tempting to pick the scabs off but had to let them *sigh* crust then flake off. Beeeauudiful. Love that Angels of beauty got the drippy Paddle Pop lesson - that will learn them

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  11. Wow, I've never heard of threading (we're so behind here in Kansas) but what a hellish experience. That technician needs a new career. Prison guard, maybe.

    Can you imagine if they did threading for your lady garden? Yooooowwwww!

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  12. Oh you poor thing! I've had my eyebrows threaded once and I wanted to run out before they did the other one it was horrible I feel your pain :(

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  13. i've never threaded but my daughter has her eyebrows done... loves it!....
    i seriously felt your pain...

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  14. holy crap you poor thing. I've had my eyebrows and chin (!) threaded and it was ok but when she was doing my chin she went up a bit high and got the small amount of hair under my lip - pretty similar reaction to yours. Anyway it grew back just as quickly so poo to that.

    I will never have my top lip done again - I am still shuddering at the thought of the pain - bleach will do. But I agree $5 - bargain.

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  15. My eyes are watering!! My oh my. It's funny I was only listening to callers on the radio today talking about waxing - ahem - other areas, and I came to the conclusion that I am the only female on the planet who has never ever waxed down there, up there, around there, anywhere - except my eyebrows of course. Threading?? No thank you. I'll keep using my Nair cream on my hairier than thou lip thank you very much. xx

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  16. Threading? Never heard of it! And not in a rush to try it now. I cried when I had my one and only bikini wax. I did it when I was 38 weeks pregnant to test my pain threshold before I went into labour. I worked out my pain threshold was low and had an epidural.

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  17. Sorry for your pain, but it did make for a most entertaining blog read.

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  18. Threading, yes, I love it, much less painful than waxing, and does a much better job.

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  19. I'm not scared of pain. But that sounds horrid. I think I'll stick to waxing thank you very much.

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  20. I'm usually a lurker and not a commenter, but I just had to after reading this (and, I must admit, having a little giggle).. I have had my eyebrows and upper lip threaded once. The eyebrow shape was awesome and I got a lot of compliments but it was rather time consuming and like being plucked a lot.. the mo well that was pain city.. My eyes were watering and they had to finish it off with wax as I couldn't stand it.. totally understand your reaction!!!

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