A week or two back, I posted about how I was chucking out the scales, and adopting a new approach to my eating, my diet and my relationship with food.
I have been really happy with "letting go of perfect".
I have been eating well, and I have only dropped the ball a few times on my mission to eat supportively.
(Sunday night in front of the Masterchef final was a good example of "mindless" eating. Handfuls of peanuts anyone?)
I have been tracking, every single day, everything I have been eating.
Just jotting it down, along with how hungry I was before I ate, and how full I felt after having eaten.
It makes for very interesting reading. This emotional eating bizzo is a such a complex puzzle for me.
I have always known I was an emotional eater, but I suspect I was always too nervous to delve into that any further.
Now I am feeling like I am in a good place to tackle this emotional eating business once and for all.
So, one of the main things that prompt my emotional eating are -
- When I feel like I might "miss out" on a treat by depriving myself. I know why. Now that I have analysed it a little, I can clearly remember feeling like this as a child. For a couple of reasons, food was often restricted, from me. My mother no doubt had my best interests at heart, and I know she was doing what she thought was best at the time. But it evidently impacted my relationship with food.
She operated on a strict budget, and there was very rarely "treats" or "junk food" in the house, ever. When she did buy such treats, it was restricted, out of scarcity. And it was rationed out. So of course, I always felt like I wanted more. I had older siblings who always got more. But I wanted more too, to be like them, I guess. But I wasn't allowed.
Out of all of us, I was not fat, but as a child I the one with the sturdy build, in comparison to my siblings who were all long and lean. My mother had battled with her weight through her teenage years, so I think she was terrified I would turn into a "fat child". She put me on a diet at aged 7. When I look at photos of myself at this age, I was not fat. At all. But I wasn't skinny either, so I guess she was trying to anticipate weight gain? I don't know.
Either way, I was always told "no more for you Lucy", whilst my siblings were allowed more. "That's enough, Lucy", whilst my siblings helped themselves.
See? Scared of missing out.
So the minute I put myself on a "diet", all those feelings of being "deprived" and "restricted" and "being the odd one out" return. And make me feel sad.
So the instinct is, of course, to rebel, and eat loads of all the restricted treats.
Which is what got me overweight in the first place.
Arrrggghh! See? A complex puzzle.
But, since choosing to chuck out the scales and not restrict anything at all, I have been a whole lot happier.
And whilst I have not weighed myself, instinct tells me I have not put on any weight at all. And that I have probably lost some weight.
Which makes me feel calm and happy.