Saturday, 26 June 2010

Bad shit

Yesterday was a weird day.

I felt very lost and vulnerable .

I still do.

I watched Dr Phil for the first time in long while, whilst I ironed, and it was an episode on "Moms Who Drink". (I am not a mother that drinks. But I am the daughter of a mother that drinks. Hence my morbid misery interest.)

It was scary.

And of course I know that Dr Phil will always present the extreme. But I guess it is a mark of my current state of mind that I started to freak out and fret that I will morph into a Mom That Drinks.

(The sane and intellectual bit of my brain know s that this will never ever happen. But the sad scaredy bit of my brain says "You probably will. Look at the pattern of generations behind you. All alco mums fell into it somehow.")

Enough of that.

I did, however, also end up eating way too much junk funk food.......something I haven't done since forever.......

I scoured the house and ate a mountain of carbs. A box of Delites, a bowl of cereal, a bowlful of cashews. A bag of chippies. Inhaled. Binged.

And the thing that is scary about that is not what I ate or how it affects a weeks weigh in, but the fact that it was all emotional eating: I was not hungry at all. And I knew it. And I chose to not care, and eat all that crap anyway.....

Along with a glass of wine, and you can only imagine how utterly crap I feel this morning: literally like I have a hangover.

I guess today is a new day and I simply move on.

Headache and all.

(I have just proof read this post. If I am binge eating and watching Dr Phil whilst ironing and fretting about alcoholism, I am in a bad way. I shall continue to post and continue to blog. Not sure how much sense I am gonna make though, 'till this passes.......)


  1. I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling yourself lately! I hope you feel better and yes, tomorrow is a new day, and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Be kind AND be truthful to yourself. And nobody is perfect. And because you are worried about being an alcy mom, sounds like you are very aware of what you grew up with and that it will not happen to you. Rambling mess of a comment. I just don't want you to beat yourself up!

  2. Lucy, loads of love to you at what is clearly a really rough time. It will pass. It always does xxxx

  3. Sending *HUGS*!
    I worry about this too, I come from a family of alcoholics...sometimes even seeing a drink frightens me...but I have made a choice not to follow that path and I will not, and I am sure you will not either! I hope you are gentle with yourself over the emotional eating, it's happens sometimes, but I know you will be back on track in no time! Take Care!

  4. Big hugs coming your way!!

  5. my mom was an alcoholic and anorexic. Try that one on for size.

    She drank b/c she was in such bad pain from 6 herniated discs in her back. So when I injured my back, I was petrified of treating it the way my mom did. Even now I won't take pain meds unless i"m really in a bad place.

    I think part of not becoming another person is knowing who you are in a solid and confident way.

  6. Lucy, you and I must be living on the same wavelength the past few days.

    I am a daughter of a functioning addict. I myself used to be addicted to substances before I had my daughter. Those demons have passed but I really find it hard when I hear other peoples stories and can connect the dots back to my own.

    I emo binge terribly and it really is as bad as a hangover the next day, sugar and carb overloads

    I am thinking of you and I hope you feel some sunshine soon


  7. Hi
    I hope you are feeling a little better soon. I think that we all have bad days and sometimes something just comes over us and we eat.
    I know you feel bad that you lost control, but as you say today is a new day.

  8. Luce, I think the main problem there is that you were *ironing*. That has nasty side effects ;)

    Seriously, though, it's OK> Clean slate. New day. big *hug*.

  9. Ms. Lucy. The difference between *them* and *you* is that *you* recognize the predisposition toward the pattern and you don't have any desire to fall into it.

    *hugs* You're strong. You know that. Also, be kind to yourself. We love ya.

  10. Oh Sweetie - try not to be so hard on yourself. The fact that you acknowledge the fear shows your strength. Tomorrow's a new day and you're a lovely lovely person. Big hug to you! :-)

  11. Dr Phil should come with a warning "May cause serious side effects".

    It's awful when suddenly you're confronted with feelings and memories that you weren't prepared for.

    It's OK to be down, it means an up is on the way.

    PS You are you, you will not and never will be your mum. xxx

  12. Big Hug to you - No More Dr Phil and No More Ironing - both are equally depressing no wonder you binged!! ;-)

  13. I cannot believe I just read your note, came in to here to check your blog and found this (just posted related post). My mum was also an alcoholic and I am also a binge eater. I think that makes you and me like sisters from another mother and like plenty of other people out there :).

    I want to give you a great big gigantic hug cause I just think you are so damn wonderful. I really really do. I am all with Lori-RRSAHM on this one. Less ironing and brand new slate tomorrow.

    I'll be holding hands with you cyberly xxx

  14. We are all here for you. Let it be just one day. Tomorrow is a new day. Myabe it might help to read back through some of your old blog entries. You only have to see from all that you have written how amazing you are. Like Lori said, No more ironing & try watching Bold & the Beautiful, much less thinking to so in that show, they all just sleep with each other and backstab LOL! Lots of hugs xo

  15. Lucy, at least you are aware and writing about it and fully present! That's big. And you are not your mom. You are you, a beautiful, self-aware, strong, incredibly capable person who has already accomplished so much. We all know that and see it. Sending cyber hugs. xx

  16. Hugs wonderful blog friend. You are not your mother, and don't believe you every will be. I emotional eat sometimes but I never have the courage to blog about it. You are inspirational to me and many others. You will weather this storm. Big warm cyberhugs coming your way xxxx

  17. ((((hugs))) Lucy. There isn't much more I can say that the commenters above me have already said, but I am thinking of you and hoping the funk and the grey is starting to disapear for you. I'm so glad to 'know' you friend, you are a wonderful person. You are you, you know the way in which you 'don't' want to parent and that is the reason why you won't become that parent to your kids. Visiting your blog Lucy, brightens my days xoxo

  18. Hi Lucy
    I'm waaaaay behind on blog posts, but it's never to late to send a big HUG. I really hope that the dark cloud has moved on, at least a little bit.
    Thinking of you xx


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