Saturday, 27 March 2010

The Middle Wife

I have a couple of lovely friends who are pregnant at the moment. One of them passed this onto me. Cathy, thank you. I read it and splurted wine over my keyboard.

To my lovely expectant friends,  and indeed other lovely pregnant chicks out there......I hope you have blissful and easy births like this one.......

The 'Middle Wife' by an Year Two Teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own year two classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mum and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mum's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mum starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's Pizza man. They got my Mum to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall)

'And then, pop! My Mum had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

This has reminded me that I should probably dig out my birth stories........they are nowhere near as funny as this, but they make me smile as much.........


  1. Excellent! It must be great capturing these moments, even if only in memory!

  2. Very cute!! I have to confess, my Bumps' birth was almost that easy. I will have to post her birth story very soon.

  3. And by the way, I absolutely adore the new blog look! Beautiful!

  4. Your blog looks really beautiful! I'm just retouching mine right now so I know how much work you put in. Looks GREAT.

  5. Oh that is hilarious!!! Thank you for sharing :)

    I love the design of your blog, the header is super fun!

  6. That is pretty funny :)

  7. That made me laugh (thankfully I wasn't drinking milk).

  8. Luckily it wasn't wine o'clock for me or my keyboard may have suffered the same damage.
    Loving the look of your blog!!! You are very clever.

  9. Still chuckling even now, thanks for sharing, I can just imagine this having had my own kids tell stories for news that were probably just as funny as this - although not about birthing.

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